Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying
squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and
you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that
this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a
tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell
and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and
we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone,
beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we
can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start
pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is
important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins
double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would
any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body
you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand
to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer
also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the
driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a
police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."